🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.